Porsche Cayenne EV Gets Wireless Charging – Meanwhile, I’m Still Charging My Phone with Duct Tape

 

The Luxury of Being Lazy

Porsche just dropped the news: the Cayenne EV will come with wireless charging. That’s right, no more bending down, no more plugging in—just glide your six-figure SUV onto a fancy floor pad and let the magic happen.

Meanwhile, I’m still fighting with a frayed iPhone cable that only works if I hold it like I’m performing surgery.

Tesla: “We Were Gonna Do That Too!”

Of course, Tesla bros will say, “Elon mentioned this years ago!” Sure, but Tesla also promised robotaxis by 2020, so forgive me if I don’t hold my breath. And honestly, have you seen a Cybertruck try to park straight? Imagine lining that thing up with a wireless pad—it’d look like a toddler trying to color inside the lines.

McLaren: Charging for the 1%

McLaren’s Speedtail had a wireless charger ages ago. But let’s be real—if you can buy a Speedtail, you probably just hire a guy named “Jeeves” to charge it for you while you sip champagne in Monaco.

Chinese EVs: Innovation on Steroids

Now, let’s not forget the Chinese brands. BYD and NIO are out there swapping entire batteries in five minutes while Porsche brags about saving you the “effort” of plugging in a cable. Honestly, by the time Porsche finally sells this Cayenne EV, some startup in China will probably let their cars charge wirelessly through the air while also projecting TikTok on your windshield.

Japanese EVs: Reliable… and Boring

And then we have the Japanese brands. Toyota’s still busy saying, “Actually, hydrogen is the future.” Meanwhile, Nissan’s Leaf is like that reliable friend who’s been around forever but never got invited to the cool parties. Wireless charging? Please. You’ll still be plugging in your Leaf with the same chunky cable while Porsche owners flex with their sci-fi garage floors.

The Magic Pad That Can Survive Anything

Porsche’s charging pad can handle rain, snow, and even cars driving over it. That’s impressive. My $10 extension cord, on the other hand, panics if a cloud looks suspicious.

And Porsche brags about 11kW charging power. Great, so you can charge overnight just like a normal home charger—except now you get the added thrill of saying, “I didn’t even touch a cable, darling.”

My Wallet’s Harsh Reality

Look, this is all cool tech. But let’s be real: Porsche owners will enjoy their wireless charging, Tesla bros will argue on Twitter, the Chinese will keep dropping wild futuristic features, and the Japanese will keep nodding politely with hybrids.

As for me? The only “wireless charging” I can afford is borrowing my neighbor’s Wi-Fi… and maybe charging my phone at Starbucks when no one’s looking.